Shane L
It was the best of times - things were hanging together - I had a nice place to live and shared with a friend and could invite people over, to drop in. I'll pulled together a group of friends from separate contacts and had a "gang" to hang out with... Shane was part of that gang - we'd met through a gay student group meeting. He was studying art and photography and I loved his passion and creativity and he was a good friend.
Then it all went wrong. And I still really don't know what triggered it. Shane felt as though I'd let him down. He had a drinking problem. He came around to our house drunk and angry and... and he shouted at me, he hit me, he hit me again, and again, and he really scared me. He stopped. I think he needed to piss. I walked out and left my house with him alone in it and walked and walked through side streets tears flowing until I got to the house of a friend he didn't know where I knew I'd get a strong hug, a place to stay the night and no questions I didn't want to or couldn't answer.
The next day he'd left a rambling message on my phone - he apologised, he said he was an alcoholic - he said he'd left our house and ended up on a motorway with a piece of wood brandishing it at cars. He said its what his parents got. He said 'forgive me'.
And then I cut him out of my life. I went away for the weekend with my housemate and came back for an opening of photographs Shane had done - including some of me - and told him I didn't want to speak with him again. While he managed to stay friends with out other friends - and in some ways that hurt although I didn't want them to turn against him - we stayed apart. It helped I guess that I left town a few months later.
We met again years later briefly - but never talked about what had happened - and I didn't see the point. Now I know he's living on this side of the world but in a country I haven't visited, though one day I will.
Shane was a good friend and one who made a huge impression on my life - my ability to trust, to commit, to let someone else in my life - and it took years to get over that sense of betrayal and random violence. And I forgive him, I forgave only a few days afterwards - but I couldn't forget. I couldn't feel safe. Thats what took more time. And I think he'll always be lost to me - we can't go back and make it right again.
Then it all went wrong. And I still really don't know what triggered it. Shane felt as though I'd let him down. He had a drinking problem. He came around to our house drunk and angry and... and he shouted at me, he hit me, he hit me again, and again, and he really scared me. He stopped. I think he needed to piss. I walked out and left my house with him alone in it and walked and walked through side streets tears flowing until I got to the house of a friend he didn't know where I knew I'd get a strong hug, a place to stay the night and no questions I didn't want to or couldn't answer.
The next day he'd left a rambling message on my phone - he apologised, he said he was an alcoholic - he said he'd left our house and ended up on a motorway with a piece of wood brandishing it at cars. He said its what his parents got. He said 'forgive me'.
And then I cut him out of my life. I went away for the weekend with my housemate and came back for an opening of photographs Shane had done - including some of me - and told him I didn't want to speak with him again. While he managed to stay friends with out other friends - and in some ways that hurt although I didn't want them to turn against him - we stayed apart. It helped I guess that I left town a few months later.
We met again years later briefly - but never talked about what had happened - and I didn't see the point. Now I know he's living on this side of the world but in a country I haven't visited, though one day I will.
Shane was a good friend and one who made a huge impression on my life - my ability to trust, to commit, to let someone else in my life - and it took years to get over that sense of betrayal and random violence. And I forgive him, I forgave only a few days afterwards - but I couldn't forget. I couldn't feel safe. Thats what took more time. And I think he'll always be lost to me - we can't go back and make it right again.
posted by davidc at 8:54 AM
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