Shane T.
I've been thinking of Shane in the last few days. It's because I'm planning to visit New Zealand again and this brings back memories and fears.
I met Shane in Wellington at a Lesbians and Gays in Education conference. Shane was an academic and teacher who was researching anti-gay bullying in schools. He was a friend of a friend of mine, and I'd been told that I'd 'like' this person so there was a bit of match-making going on. After the conference Tom asked me what I thought of Shane and my rather cruel response was that he was too boring for me... Shane and I never got together in that way but we did get to know each other slowly as friends and got into the habit of meeting up once a week, seeing a movie, eating out, talking a lot and doing what friends do - chatting, gossiping, sharing our lives, being supportive through good and bad times. Shane became a close friend and one of the people I knew I'd miss when I left New Zealand to come to London. It was at his place I stayed my last few days in Wellington after packing up my flat, and he took me out to the airport and helped me through the final panic when I discovered my bags were too heavy and I couldn't take them with me on the flight and he organised sending one by freight.
When you're literally half a world away its not always easy to keep in touch with people and like a lot of friends Shane and I kept in touch with emails on and off, but I didn't think too much of it that I hadn't heard from him for a while, some people are better at keeping in touch than others. When I first went back to New Zealand he was on my list to see. There was no response from his home phone number so I rang him at work. I still feel sorry for the receptionist who had to tell me he didn't work there any more and had passed away a few months before. So there I was in an empty borrowed flat all excited at contacting and seeing people and one of the first phone calls I make I find that I'm too late.
A few days later I talked with a flatmate of a friend of mine who'd known Shane. Shane had died of an HIV related condition and I guess although we were close we had a very much one-to-one relationship and no-one had thought to tell me, or thought of me. I was sad of course. I was also sad that in all the time I'd known Shane I'd never known he had HIV. He was stressed a lot, with an academic job that was demanding, under restructure and not very supportive, as well as having family responsibilities particularly with his Dad. But he'd never mentioned the HIV and I felt sad that he hadn't as it felt like that maybe he didn't trust me enough to share something like that with him. I don't know. I never will. I felt I'd not only lost someone who was precious to me but also that there was this huge gap in our relationship that I'd never known about at the time. I felt that in some way maybe I'd let him down. I don't know. I never will.
I met Shane in Wellington at a Lesbians and Gays in Education conference. Shane was an academic and teacher who was researching anti-gay bullying in schools. He was a friend of a friend of mine, and I'd been told that I'd 'like' this person so there was a bit of match-making going on. After the conference Tom asked me what I thought of Shane and my rather cruel response was that he was too boring for me... Shane and I never got together in that way but we did get to know each other slowly as friends and got into the habit of meeting up once a week, seeing a movie, eating out, talking a lot and doing what friends do - chatting, gossiping, sharing our lives, being supportive through good and bad times. Shane became a close friend and one of the people I knew I'd miss when I left New Zealand to come to London. It was at his place I stayed my last few days in Wellington after packing up my flat, and he took me out to the airport and helped me through the final panic when I discovered my bags were too heavy and I couldn't take them with me on the flight and he organised sending one by freight.
When you're literally half a world away its not always easy to keep in touch with people and like a lot of friends Shane and I kept in touch with emails on and off, but I didn't think too much of it that I hadn't heard from him for a while, some people are better at keeping in touch than others. When I first went back to New Zealand he was on my list to see. There was no response from his home phone number so I rang him at work. I still feel sorry for the receptionist who had to tell me he didn't work there any more and had passed away a few months before. So there I was in an empty borrowed flat all excited at contacting and seeing people and one of the first phone calls I make I find that I'm too late.
A few days later I talked with a flatmate of a friend of mine who'd known Shane. Shane had died of an HIV related condition and I guess although we were close we had a very much one-to-one relationship and no-one had thought to tell me, or thought of me. I was sad of course. I was also sad that in all the time I'd known Shane I'd never known he had HIV. He was stressed a lot, with an academic job that was demanding, under restructure and not very supportive, as well as having family responsibilities particularly with his Dad. But he'd never mentioned the HIV and I felt sad that he hadn't as it felt like that maybe he didn't trust me enough to share something like that with him. I don't know. I never will. I felt I'd not only lost someone who was precious to me but also that there was this huge gap in our relationship that I'd never known about at the time. I felt that in some way maybe I'd let him down. I don't know. I never will.
posted by davidc at 1:17 AM
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